i've been feeling like time has passed around me very quickly lately. you know how when you're young you think about hitting a certain age and you think you'll feel like a completely different person? I'm realizing, I used to think that way about the age 21. I am 21 years old. I used to think i'd probably be in college, doing what normal 21 year olds do. I thought I may have a serious boyfriend and would be still following the Lord but actually what I really meant is living a complacent life of irresponsibility with little revelation of Jesus on my heart and living a visionless life.
Well, I'm 21. I have an amazing husband (thank you Lord) who is full of integrity and loves the Lord with all His heart. Ben has brought amazing balance to my own characteristics and tendencies. My husband has brought me significantly closer to the Lord.
I have a 7 month old baby girl who is absolutely the cutest and most beautiful little girl ever. She is just like me in a lot of ways and looks exactly like my husband. She is totally full of life and aggression even at a young age. We named her Kennedi Rachel. Kennedi means "armored chief or helmet head (also means iron will)" Rachel means "little lamb or innocense". I always thought these 2 meanings are opposites so I really thought Kennedi would be a little like the Lord in the ways He's a Lion but also a Lamb. I thought she'd really have the boldness of a leader or lion but have the tenderness of a lamb and willingly following the One(s) she loves. This is so true. I am so thankful for this special little gift, although she has put me through quite the ringer with the Lord, she has brought delight and joy in my heart and in my husband's heart and pretty much anyone she meets she brings a smile to.
I am 21, and I don't feel any different. I don't feel like I'm a completely different person than that 14 year old wondering what it would feel like to be 21. It's almost the year 2009 and I feel like I should still be waking up to mom and dad wrapped presents covering around our christmas tree, but no. Not this year. We are the parents, we have wrapped gifts under our tree for our daughter and each other. We're the BIG kids this year. We still get the gifts from mom and dad and friends to put under our tree, but all-in-all I don't feel any different. It's really weird.
Side note is that it's Christmas Eve and every year about this time I can and do these 2 things.
1. i wish i would've done this..... this year
2. i hope to do this..... next year
I decided to not do either. I am completely content with where I'm going in the Lord and content in the season I'm in. I am beginning to realize if I hurry the seasons along and try to get out of them and not actually gain from the current season, that eventually i'll end up right back here in the spot i so eagerly wanted to get out of. so here i am, planting my flag down in the dirt of the wilderness, because HEY! i'm getting comfortable here. Jesus likes me, i still don't understand that. it's going to be Christmas tomorrow (that is a phenomenon in and of itself) and i'd rather just sit in the confusion and awe of the fact that GOD became MAN, Creator became His creation, only to die and be the eternal sacrifice for my sins so that I would no longer be required as the sacrifice. He was the perfect sacrifice and He came in the innocense of a babe.
It is true that "through the mouth of babes, He has ordained perfect praise"
instead of figuring out what next year will be like, what this year has been like, i'm going to enjoy and love the place i'm at. I am going to love my family, love the Lord and love those around me as best I can.
have a good Christmas eve.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
we are truly connected
kennedi has been sick for a couple days. she had a pretty high fever, coughing up flem, sneezing, stuffy nose, it was really sad.
i feel like she was manifesting what I was feeling on the inside. i was angry, stuffed up, puffed up, needing air, couldn't breathe. i felt like i could deal with kennedi and my family by myself without the Lord, completely offended with His leadership.
We had a couple rough evenings with kennedi specifically getting her to fall asleep at bedtime. a good friend of mine told me that if you repent of anger out loud and speak acceptance over kennedi and tell her she's loved in front of her so her ears can hear it, she may calm and go to sleep. i did it the next morning and she's been speedily getting better physically and my soul is definitely less tense. i submitted myself and kennedi to the Lord again and confessed my anger and repented and asked forgiveness from kennedi too for not displaying Jesus well to her and taking my emotions out on her even if she never knew.
i felt better, she seemed happier and she's doing much better.
so all that to say, my baby is very sensitive to the Spirit already. I love that. it also makes me line up with the Spirit way easier if I know it affects her. praise the Lord wisdom and might is His.
i feel like she was manifesting what I was feeling on the inside. i was angry, stuffed up, puffed up, needing air, couldn't breathe. i felt like i could deal with kennedi and my family by myself without the Lord, completely offended with His leadership.
We had a couple rough evenings with kennedi specifically getting her to fall asleep at bedtime. a good friend of mine told me that if you repent of anger out loud and speak acceptance over kennedi and tell her she's loved in front of her so her ears can hear it, she may calm and go to sleep. i did it the next morning and she's been speedily getting better physically and my soul is definitely less tense. i submitted myself and kennedi to the Lord again and confessed my anger and repented and asked forgiveness from kennedi too for not displaying Jesus well to her and taking my emotions out on her even if she never knew.
i felt better, she seemed happier and she's doing much better.
so all that to say, my baby is very sensitive to the Spirit already. I love that. it also makes me line up with the Spirit way easier if I know it affects her. praise the Lord wisdom and might is His.
Monday, December 8, 2008
tired, very very tired.
well, not a very positive post right now.
my daughter has never really napped well. well meaning for long periods of time without awaking and enduring through making her cry it out to get back to sleep or else getting her up from short naps is a disaster. Every once in awhile i'll have an amazing day where she'll sleep an hour and a half in the morning, an hour and a half in the early afternoon, then another 30 minute nap in the early evening then getting her to bed at 7pm. those are RARE, especially lately. for awhile she did wonderfully just me laying her down, she not making a peep, but getting up 45 minutes later, well, not anymore. just recently i've been trying to work on getting her naps to be longer and all of a sudden she doesn't fall asleep quietly, lots of talking, some crying, then following with a 30-45 minute nap. then not knowing when she'll be tired next then she follows it with a short very high tempered afternoon nap then another 3rd nap that normally takes her an hour to get to sleep.
needless to say, i'm tired. i'm tired of guessing all the time, every day doing it differently, trying new things every day to try to figure out her normal sleep patterns and it's not getting better, it's getting worse. i'm frustrated every day all day and have just been asking ben "it's going to get better right?" for the last 3 months. it seems kennedi's short-lived life so far (almost 7 months) has been one of trial and tribulation, troubles and frustrations, if it's not one thing, it's another. i feel left alone right now. i've tried everyone's suggestions, everyone's opinions, etc. nothing has worked. yeah, i know i gotta pray and ask the Lord, but it seems He also is just letting me loose to try to figure it out. i'm worn down. i can really see my sinful nature in myself all the more and mostly, i hate the feeling of loneliness. being alone in trying to figure it out. husband doesn't have a clue cuz he's not home to know anymore than i do.
needless to say,
pray for me. kennedi and i need break through
my daughter has never really napped well. well meaning for long periods of time without awaking and enduring through making her cry it out to get back to sleep or else getting her up from short naps is a disaster. Every once in awhile i'll have an amazing day where she'll sleep an hour and a half in the morning, an hour and a half in the early afternoon, then another 30 minute nap in the early evening then getting her to bed at 7pm. those are RARE, especially lately. for awhile she did wonderfully just me laying her down, she not making a peep, but getting up 45 minutes later, well, not anymore. just recently i've been trying to work on getting her naps to be longer and all of a sudden she doesn't fall asleep quietly, lots of talking, some crying, then following with a 30-45 minute nap. then not knowing when she'll be tired next then she follows it with a short very high tempered afternoon nap then another 3rd nap that normally takes her an hour to get to sleep.
needless to say, i'm tired. i'm tired of guessing all the time, every day doing it differently, trying new things every day to try to figure out her normal sleep patterns and it's not getting better, it's getting worse. i'm frustrated every day all day and have just been asking ben "it's going to get better right?" for the last 3 months. it seems kennedi's short-lived life so far (almost 7 months) has been one of trial and tribulation, troubles and frustrations, if it's not one thing, it's another. i feel left alone right now. i've tried everyone's suggestions, everyone's opinions, etc. nothing has worked. yeah, i know i gotta pray and ask the Lord, but it seems He also is just letting me loose to try to figure it out. i'm worn down. i can really see my sinful nature in myself all the more and mostly, i hate the feeling of loneliness. being alone in trying to figure it out. husband doesn't have a clue cuz he's not home to know anymore than i do.
needless to say,
pray for me. kennedi and i need break through
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