obviously it's been forever

i kind of gave up on blogging for a bit. it seems that all blogs out there have something profound to say. i used to have a lot of profound words and mostly they were just words (definitely not implying on those who have blogs specifically) i'm going to start blogging again and eventually it'll be right on our website benandbekah.com rather than here. so here's an update

i'm doing MUCH better. i had been feeling bored, lazy, had no vision anymore, distant from the Lord, etc. BUT I kept reading the bible just reading it for the sake of some bit of Life put into me. every service or prayer meeting i went to at zhop the person was talking specifically or singing specifically the verses i had been reading that day. i've been going through Matthew and every time i showed up at zhop whatever i just read was being talked about. i knew this was the kindness of the Lord for the sake of my heart knowing He was close. I've just been pushing through and Ben has helped me a bunch in this. I was having a hard time because I don't really have a "thing" I like to do. or a "hobby". i mostly just like my friends and talking about normal day-to-day stuff. but this also seemed very undesirable for me. i think one of the good things about this is i've been being very honest with myself and open (barren) with others. My heart has been being exposed even if it's terrible. AND i'm not ashamed of it. I think I'm realizing I'm completely human and completely reliant on grace. I think as I become more honest with what is really going on in me, I will start being more ok with myself and being myself in front of others. it's funny, the way i act around my baby when no one else is around is actually my real self i'm realizing. i think our children bring out the silliest parts of us and exposes it to the world.

So, with all that said, I'm doing a lot better. Circumstances haven't necessarily changed, but my attitude towards the Lord and towards others has changed.
We had a baby shower for a friend of ours yesterday and I got to reconnect with some ladies I haven't talked to in awhile. I also realized that when I get in these little funk seasons I tend to go introvert and avoid people, even if they're friends I love. Well, showers lately have forced me to connect with them and I love it. Moms really need each other I just found out. :o)

Kennedi is doing great, becoming quite the little ham. she's got all new sounds and fun noises. funny faces and goofy smiles. love her to death.
Ben is doing wonderful and working a LOT. we've definitely learned how to work rightly though with zhop. you have to schedule your time and NOT say yes to things outside of that to survive in a day and night community. we're loving our friends and each other more and more as we grow together. ben has really gone out of his way to make a way for me to get to the prayer room. it has been amazing. this actually might be the reason for the change of heart i've had, because i've gotten focused time to pray and just be enjoyed by the Lord. i've also been singing with katie reed on her devo sets and they've been really good. i didn't realize how much singing rips open my heart to feel and understand myself and the Lord. try it! singing really opens a door.