i'm really bad at updating my blog, but i really have good intents to

its really the truth.
i want to blog more, but mostly it's hard for me to put my "feelings" and "experiences" into a blog. which i think is ok. i come to here to write when i have a bit of time and patience to figure out what really has been going on with me.

i've been able to be very honest with myself lately.
1. i've been offended with God
2. i'm very selfish
3. i want my heart to be alive and it's NOT, BUT i have to DO something about that, it doesn't just occur.

and this is how i've been handling them in the past couple days.
1. offense with God. - this causes me to be pretty much easily offendable with people especially my husband who always has my best interest in mind. my husband isn't my enemy, in my heart, God has been. I'm either really frustrated with Him or forcing myself to say thank you when He finally does what I wanted Him to do.
I finally discussed this with Ben and he had me pray specific things that night. He had me confess, repent, and ask for a new start.
New Start is an impossible idea for me because I don't understand God's forgiveness. I think I should still pay for what I've been doing and acting towards the Lord, but for real I can repent, change my ways, and I am completely clean! HALLELUJAH!

2. i think i don't have a lot, but i really am very rich in the natural and spiritual. i have an enormous house that is filled with amazing men of the Lord and an amazing husband and daughter. i have food everyday even if i have to be creative to make something. i get "treats" on a regular basis as far as food, dates, etc. i have loving friends and family who are always willing to help.
this makes me selfish if i say i don't "have" enough. mostly all i think about is me and that's my biggest problem. i'm working on this one. Or should i say the Lord is working on this one.

3. i have to be intentional if i want my heart alive. i can't listen to my "do whatever you want" voice in my head. If i want to hear from the Lord concerning issues with my daughter or other things, i actually have to be intentional to hear Him. If i want my heart alive in the Word and relationship with the Lord again i have to DO it. thus i am working on this one too.


BUT i feel like i have come to an amazing place in my heart concerning ZHOP. I love my husband's role there. His heart is alive. I get to see him WAY more than most wives get to see their husbands even though he works 55-60 hours a week. i'm honored to serve with and under Kirk Bennett as my leader and friend. He is an amazing leader and has been set as a leader over many whether they like it or not and i'm learning that it is WRONG to speak down about my leaders in any situation because GOD placed them as my leader (now my husband is my leader at work and at home!) :)
i'm changing my outlook that Ben isn't just "doing this for fun", but ZHOP is his work! he's going to work and he needs to be there to provide for our family spiritually, financially, and in all other aspects. i appreciate my husband and i appreciate zhop and it's role in my life and its accountablity. this is awesome!